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Tuesday, June 7th, 2005
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2:06 am - Preacher's Like The Crow
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"I love you," she said. Driving around Vallejo at all hours.
"You promise you won't cut yourself?" she asked.
I already did.
5000
current mood: upsets
current music: Mamas + The Papas - California Dreamin'
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| Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
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2:20 am - Took A Knife And Ripped Me Up By My Roots
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So... I was listening to "Life Is A Flower". Started quoting it like a son of a bitch. A confused friend of mine asked if I meant, "It grows, gets pretty, then gets picked and dies real fast." No.
However, I am now regarding girls like flowers, as well as likening "being picked" to entering a relationship. Which basically means, when a girl enters a relationship, she "dies real fast"-- withers, gets boring, gives too much of herself and burns out, what have you.
Being a girl, a "flower"... I don't want to get picked and die real fast.
Living in a garden and being occasionally tended... that's what I want. Never pick flowers-- you'll be sorry you did.
5000
current mood: slightly insane
current music: Ace Of Base - Ravine
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| Wednesday, May 5th, 2004
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1:19 am - Talk About Rule!
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TheDudeAbides234: have you been up since last night?
VasoFever: no I slept for a while
VasoFever: was hitting the booze till like ten am though
TheDudeAbides234: haha
TheDudeAbides234: do you remember calling?
VasoFever: I CALLED YOU?!?
VasoFever: jesus
TheDudeAbides234: haha
VasoFever: what did I say
TheDudeAbides234: that you want to have sex
VasoFever: hahahaha I KNEW IT!
TheDudeAbides234: it was good times
VasoFever: omg
VasoFever: that's all I would talk to Melissa about on IM
VasoFever: "Hey Melissa-- SEX! Hey do you like sex? SEX SEX SEX"
TheDudeAbides234: you had your accent and everything
VasoFever: oh god me and jessica were both *so* wasted
TheDudeAbides234: i could tell
TheDudeAbides234: it was hilarious
VasoFever: were we giggling and shrieking and shit?
TheDudeAbides234: yeah hahah
TheDudeAbides234: you were like "Seriously... i want your sex. come over and lets make sex"
TheDudeAbides234: but with the accent and everything
VasoFever: HAHAHAHA
VasoFever: omg that rules!!
TheDudeAbides234: fuck yeah it does
TheDudeAbides234: i was cracking up. i was trying to reason with you but you wouldn have it
VasoFever: reason with me?
TheDudeAbides234: i was like "no! im not that kind of girl"
TheDudeAbides234: "you have to buy me dinner first"
VasoFever: hahaha
VasoFever: and I was just like, "No."
VasoFever: ?
TheDudeAbides234: yeah
TheDudeAbides234: you were like "no marty...i want sex. i want sex with you now"
VasoFever: hahahahha
TheDudeAbides234: then i was like "okay...be over in five. you have to fill out some paperwork first"
VasoFever: how did I react to that?
VasoFever: oh man marty
VasoFever: that is so funny
TheDudeAbides234: you were like "okay"
TheDudeAbides234: i could hear your friend in the background like reiterating everything you were saying
VasoFever: AHAHAHAA
TheDudeAbides234: like you were preacher and she was the choir
VasoFever: was she like "Yes, SEX!!"
VasoFever: hahaha
VasoFever: omg Jessica <3
TheDudeAbides234: exactly
VasoFever: omg me and jessica have the exact same birthday
TheDudeAbides234: no shit
TheDudeAbides234: thast hella funny
TheDudeAbides234: cause you were like
TheDudeAbides234: first i was all "how long has this want for sex been going on?
TheDudeAbides234: and you were like "since may, marty"
VasoFever: HAHAHAHAHA
VasoFever: omg that is so cool
TheDudeAbides234: seriously
TheDudeAbides234: next time i get shitfaced im calling you
VasoFever: AWESOME!!
TheDudeAbides234: whos jessica?
VasoFever: lj user = timesfive-- she and I have been friends since 4th grade and we always end up talking about sex whenever we get together and watching space ghost or playing with my video camera and trying to make movies where it looks like there's an earthquake going on
TheDudeAbides234: haha thats great
TheDudeAbides234: ive got to show you this shit i filmed. its all hands
TheDudeAbides234: hands dancing and shit
VasoFever: haha
VasoFever: we totally have to have like a home video exchange night
TheDudeAbides234: i know, i keep putting our visit off because ive been working like a fucking fucker
VasoFever: it's ok-- my schedule is the same
VasoFever: jessica is also the one i went to germany with last summer
TheDudeAbides234: oh siht
TheDudeAbides234: where underwear was placed on heads
VasoFever: yes! that was her underwear!!
TheDudeAbides234: crazyness
5000
current mood:  amused
current music: Jackson 5 - Who's Loving You?
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| Tuesday, March 30th, 2004
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11:06 am - Yes, I'm Smirking
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I hella hella called Trent and screamed at him that I wanted chicken, and then demanded lingerie.
That rules.
5000
current mood:  jubilant
current music: Curve - Doppelganger
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| Thursday, December 18th, 2003
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7:03 am - Public Bathroom
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My fantasies have changed.
I no longer want the house in Oregon. I'm giving up on booze and smokes because I am sick of being poor. I'm through with the South Bay.
I'm through with family and holidays. I'm through with working. I want to take medical leave so that I can sit under watch in a mental hospital as my remaining time on Earth ticks away in such a holding cell, as the hours go by and no one calls or comes to visit. They'll think I don't notice-- after all, I'm under lockdown because I'm too crazy to live-- but I'll smile as my observation of the fact that all people need from me is a turned cheek, a nod to run, a push too far, a missed connection and they are gone like nothing ever transpired at all. They are gone, free to feel satisfied with their clear consciences because I have vilified myself and they are in the right, or, if not-- they think I won't notice they're in the wrong.
In a sick way I think I have become fond of playing the bad guy-- it keeps everyone happy because everyone is happy when they are right (and no one else has to be the bad guy) and it gives me the fuel to have evenings and thoughts and truths such as these. Peace of mind comes at a price. Everything comes with a pricetag. The things that seem free are the ones that will cost the most in the end.
The only fantasy I have anymore is getting a mattress that's relatively expensive and of a good quality so that maybe I could really sleep someday. I used to want sunsets, booze, smokes and a nice place to sit but those days are over. Whatever was left of me is gone. It's all over.
It's like the way that you can't patent a single letter by itself. You can never sign your name to something that stands alone.
5000
current mood: all gone
current music: Hooverphonic - Mad About You
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| Sunday, October 26th, 2003
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3:09 pm - New And Improved?
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I think it sucks how no one likes me with long hair.
Sure, it's black and that's boring, it might not be me. Sure, it's just a wig. I used to have long hair. Then I went crazy and cut it off. Then I grew it out again. Then I cut it off again.
Now I have short hair that never sees the light of day because it's covered by wigs. I like the long one, and I miss it because my long hair was what I used to hide behind. No one likes the long hair. They say the black doesn't fit. They say it looks better short. They say they like the bright colours.
I like the black in its simplicity. I loved having long hair because it was easy to take care of and I didn't have to bother with styling it.
It's not just the hair-- that's only an outward manifestation of how I'm unsatisfied with my life and so I try to change everything to better myself... it's sad when the new is embraced by everyone I thought was close to me when I was old.
They like me better now... why? Is it only when you're unhappy with yourself but smiling in spite of it that the world smiles with you? This world is not free. I am actually void of colour. Don't believe me? Ask the dishes.
5000
current mood: if it's not broken, don't fix it.
current music: Snog - The Ballad
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| Monday, October 6th, 2003
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5:34 pm - Like A Pin That Just Won't Fit
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Is this what it feels like to die, dry-mouthed and unable to move.
You need to get up, time is running out.
You need to burn yourself out so that someone else doesn't burn you up.
5000
current mood:  aggravated
current music: Covenant - Bullet
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| Tuesday, May 27th, 2003
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8:14 pm - Don't Make Me Wait Forever Keep The Faith
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Don't make me wait 'cos I'm all alone
Just keep the faith, we'll make it 'till dawn
I know you said that you would be there
I do believe we'll make it, I swear
Some things are spawned for all the wrong reasons. I just found out something that I didn't know and that mars my perception of everything, and yet I'm still drawn. History repeats itself over and over and people that I swore I'd never be are exactly who I am becoming.
Perhaps it's only a matter of severing all of my attachments and never peering into anyone's past. I say they prey on left-overs, but that's exactly what I am doing, that's exactly why L hated A so long ago. I remember how furious she was, declaring that she'd never walk down that path as it had been walked before, and yet she did. She walked it twice, each time more identical to the pre-paved way than the first.
My stomach is doing flips. I know what I'm doing, I know what I did, I know what I'm hoping and I understand that it's in vain, I understand that my wishes are delusional and that everyone has their own rights, and me thinking I have any say in where people go and what people do is absurd, so I have to stop for a moment and breathe. I have to quit acting like this was a personal attack on me, and blaming people who surround me, rather than myself, or rather than the culprit who staged what I believed to be an 'attack' and was nothing more than a bit of self-preservation.
I can keep telling myself these things over and over again and still, my heart will break, there will be an empty spot for the 6 (soon to be the 7 maybe?). I don't understand how I can feel like this when all of this time has passed and when I know what I know... but I do. My heart is flipping. No matter how much I deny it, how much I turn away from it, how much I act like I am above it... guess what?
It's still there. It will not go away.
I swore to myself that I wouldn't tread that path after I heard those words. Hostility takes a long time to die, and I didn't understand that there was any to begin with. I don't want to stir it up again, but when I'm getting exactly what I need, exactly what I crave, my desperately needed remedy without having to do much at all... it's like dying to say no.
I'm over-dramatising and romanticising all of this, most likely. It's harder to inflate and over-rate a feeling than it is to tone it down. Especially a positive feeling. I don't understand how I let myself slip this far and how I let something so seemingly trivial dominate my thoughts. Less has always been more, hasn't it? I'll take the imitation over the real deal any day.
It's always been that way. The snatches of colour and feeling in dark corners, the heavy breath, the anonymity, the hand-holding and the gum wrappers. The shivering blue light.. all of it. The blue light makes everything perfect; white takes on a new shade of pale. Red looks black, blood, smeared lipstick, wine. You can't tell what exactly that is in trails from your mouth. It could be the tell-tale signs of a passionate rendezvous, it could be the consequence of loving someone violent, it could be a sign that you're far too drunk and you're wearing more wine that you're drinking.
Kathy's Song used to mean a lot to me, and now it means even more than it did before. It will remind me of the wine, it will remind me of the forbidden state of things, it will remind me of all the things I dream about and never pursue.
It will remind me of the days that I button my lips when they should be allowed to remain open, and of the nights where I am supposed to take a leap of faith, and instead, remain glued to the side of the cliff, doomed to a death of deprivation for my disbelief and lack of faith in everyone, but more specifically, in myself.
I know it would be bad. I know in my guts, and in my soul, but I just want a taste. Just a taste. In theory, a taste would do me fine.
However, if I'm honest with myself, which I rarely allow myself to be, I know that I won't take just a taste. I'll be in over my head before I realise that everything sinks. I emerge from the ocean; like a mermaid, I'll take a sailor and pull him under... and in all of my fervor I will forget that even lovers drown.
When have I ever taken just a taste?
5000
current mood: alcoholic
current music: Hooverphonic - 2 Wicky
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| Wednesday, May 21st, 2003
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1:58 pm - No More Questions, No More Lines, No More, No Sir, Not This Time
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I like things that are a one-time deal. That way, it's more fun pretending what could have been if things were different that one time.
Then, of course, there's the whole hanging out over and over again in hopes that something will miraculously change, even though it won't, and being constantly disappointed. This comes from within. Had you the guts to make your move, you wouldn't be filled with regret and anxiety.
You keep doing things over and over again in hopes of something one day changing. This is the definition of insanity. You get positive reinforcement, and you still don't change your actions, what is wrong with you? You're told it's ok to speak, and instead you remain silent thinking that things will change, regardless.
You foolish simp. You can't will things to change. You can't command attention from people without first knocking down some walls. You know that you used to have it in you, where has it gone now? You should remember people like Jo.
Why am I writing in second person? This isn't high school.
Some people aren't worth the air they breathe. Word.
5000
current mood: mad
current music: Hooverphonic - Mad About You
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| Sunday, April 27th, 2003
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1:39 pm - Living In A Shot-Gun Shell
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I need cloves the way I need love.
Lately.
5000
current mood: lead flying
current music: Royal Crown Revue - Zip Gun Bop
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| Friday, April 25th, 2003
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4:38 pm - A Hundred Different Ways
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My mom and I were watching The Bodyguard and she was trying to teach me to knit, and then my dad came home.
He walked into the room, looked at the television, and said, "Why are you guys watching this homo movie?"
5000
current mood: hella african american
current music: Domino - This Business Of Love
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| Saturday, April 19th, 2003
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9:15 pm - A Throw Of The Dice
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I bought a dress on Thursday that's a size 8.
Rock over London for a girl who, three months ago, could only fit into 12's and 13's.
I know sizes range differently from brand to brand and era to era (it's a vintage 70's dress) but seeing that tiny number 8 made my day.
It's been three or four years since I've been this small. It's not as small as I could be, but I am happy that I'm finally getting rid of all this bullshit lazy weight.
5000
current mood: yeeeee
current music: Domino - This Business Of Love
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| Wednesday, April 16th, 2003
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6:54 am - Let Me Lay It On The Line...
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I hate everything. There are good moments and good times, but it's hard to think about those, to remember those, no matter how recent when things just suck all the time.
How many people do I owe money? How many owe me money? I hate money and I hate her and I hate you.
I hate them and I hate everything. I hate it all. I hate phone numbers and telephones and life and living and headaches, I hate it all. I hate the sun, I hate bright lights.
I do, however, like to go pee.
"Are you still moving to Oregon?"
Fuck you.
"Are you single?"
None of your fucking business, but thanks for asking.
I have rage and razors and I hate you and I hope you never forget it. I hate your harp and I hate your harmonica and how you believe yourself to be great and coherent. I hate it all.
I especially hate money. Then again, I love money. I am crazy, and this I know too. I hate that I'm ruining Stefan's life and I know it, but I still keep asking him for favours. I know it's wrong and I'm just a fucker. I can't stop mooching, bumming, I can't stop at all.
I can't stop typing; it's my luxury, this kind of shit should be tucked away into the pages of Eva, but she is lost, or Desire, but she is too pretty. Ugly words should not linger in beautiful places. The way you lose custody of certain places during a break-up. Ugly scenes should not linger in wonderful places. Looney Toons should be put to death.
I hate Looney Toons.
You'd think it would gross me out; he wears his pants so low that you can see his private man-part hair peeking over the waist because he wears no belt. You'd think it would remind me of dirty people who disassemble cars.
However, you'd be wrong. His poky bones and private parts make me curious. His laugh makes me wish I could laugh the same way. His teeth are white and I know there's something seriously wrong with him but right now I can't figure out what it is. I know he has scars and bruises and doesn't wear a belt.
I know that I want to look that way. I need to choose.
Do I live the rest of my life pretending to be a girl?
-or-
Do I become the androgynous stick figure wonder who wears wristbands and beanies? I love being one of the boys. I love being gross and irresponsible.
A life without lipstick, what do you think?
5000
current mood:  sad
current music: Anything Box - I Felt The Pain
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| Saturday, March 22nd, 2003
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12:18 pm - Let's Go, Let's Go, Ragga Steady
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I saw Anne Gulley downtown on Thursday night.
Isn't that the craziest thing you've ever heard?
5000
current mood: uplifted
current music: Midi, Maxi + Efti - Ragga Steady Dub
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| Thursday, March 13th, 2003
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11:45 am - Feed Him With My Paraffin
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I'd really like to spill my guts out all over the place, but I'm afraid I'd offend some people. And it really sucks, because I thought a place like this would be the last one where I censored myself.
Now I feel like I have to bite my tongue and walk on my tiptoes, only coming out of my robotic doll state in order to convey caring, love, and service. Like a prairie wife. If that's what it takes.
I feel ill. Headache, upset stomach. I don't want any pity. I dragged myself into this hole. In all actuality, I can't say I know exactly what dragged me into this hole, but my hands are getting tired of trying to dig their way out. It doesn't help much that I'm carrying people on my back, either.
Stefan: depressed. Upset that he hasn't seen me in a while. Pissed off at himself for smoking weed.
Several other people who I don't want to mention because their stories are too long. Boys and girls. I'm full with their sicknesses. It's been that I am the dump, my whole life, and maybe I need to be closed. Maybe I need to be emptied.
This is too heavy and I can't really find a way to make it funny like I used to, so I'm going to stop like I should have before I even started this stupid entries.
*places tape back over mouth*
5000
current mood: so teenaged and angsty
current music: Sneaker Pimps - Roll On
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| Monday, March 3rd, 2003
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1:21 pm - Nobody's Perfect. Not Even You, Not Even Me...
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Things are fucked up. I left work early because I couldn't deal. I sat in the archive room heaving and wondering when things would right themselves.
"Nobody's perfect, and nothing is easy." -- Curve. They've got it right.
Abby sent me an e-mail about God. I have no clue what I think of that. My stomach is upset as all hell. Stacey lied for me so I could leave. Some new guy works there... I hate that whenever I go back, they always stare at my hair and chirp about how they never recognise me because it changes so much.
The new guy, in typical fashion, wouldn't stop staring at it. I wanted to scream at him. Then I realised that just because I'm having a shitty time, I shouldn't drag everyone down with me. Nil came in and tried to tell me jokes.
I remember a long time ago how it felt when I was like this. I laughed. I smiled. It made me gag. I remember how much it hurts to be a faker.
It's also very strange how everyone I talked to last night has contacted me, asking how is everything, and dodging the actual subject.
"I don't want to talk about it." I say. I never did, and never do.
They'll ask, 'Whose fault was it?
Oh, she was just a kid!'.
Cried the way to work today listening to Beloved and Lose Yourself. Stupid of me? Yes. Necessary? Yes.
My parents left last night to dinner, and begged me to go with them. I told them I was tired, did not mention the fact that I was hungover. They left money for pizza. Some cosmic force must have seen this coming, because my connection with them over the past few days has been one of favours and gratitude on both parts.
The only sad thing is that every time I hug my mom she tells me that I stink because of the cloves. I wonder if I ever said the same to her when she smoked.
Lily was nice to me.
My body is numb. It took me fifteen minutes to get to the bathroom this morning because my legs didn't feel like functioning.
Hungry and desperate. And true.
Sitting here in my blue cap and my blue shirt (baby blue) trying to look all sweet and nice so people will think I am shy and timid rather than void of motion due to internal hurricane.
I have decided that Sean has ruined my life. I shouldn't put all of this on him because he's kind of an innocent bystander in all of this... but Hitler's scapegoat was even more lame. Not to mention the fact that he will never know how much I resent him because we never speak. Justified? No. Sensical? No. Necessary [for purposes of sanity]? Yes.
I'm trying not to let it bring me down... but even Annie Lennox can't help me now.
5000
current mood:  restless
current music: Annie Lennox - Don't Let It Bring You Down
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| Thursday, February 27th, 2003
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2:35 pm - Left, Right, Uppercut Blow!
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You are blind to the fact that the hand you hold is the hand that holds you down.
Thank-you Art. Few truer words were ever spoken. Just for the record, we all know how bad it is when Everclear comes into the picture.
It's true.
Pretty much the only reason I ever do anything nice for anyone, or come through for people is so that I can throw it in their face later.
Nice of me, eh? I'm not the only one guilty of this crime. And it can hardly be called a crime anymore, because it has become as common and overlooked as marijuana use.
I know that I'm decent and consistent for a reason.
And I would like to thank Rae in a very big way for putting up with my neurotic and obsessive posting habits lately. I know I really shouldn't be posting this much... but I have no gas and no money, so it's either this, more sleeping, or being sick.
5000
current mood:  cynical
current music: Everclear - Everything To Everyone
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